nyc natives, romcom darlings, genius biopic stars, and me?
guess what?..... MY NEW YORK EXISTENTIAL OPTIMISM IS BACK BABY!!
I wonder what it’s like to be born in New York. What must it be like to know no other place will ever measure up to the place you originated from?
Not to sound corny, but I’ve come to the stark realization that I may never (willingly) leave this city. I’ve always had big dreams of moving to a big city where all of my problems could blend in and look small in comparison to the vast landscape of countless stories. But I’ve been proven wrong. I think the vastness only amplifies my relatively small problems.
*short sleeves are back THANK GOD! I’d never had a winter coat before moving here, but imagine the overstimulation I’ve experienced carrying around a tote bag, water bottle, umbrella, scarf, and A COAT?!?! horrible, thank you March for bringing back weather above 55
I have this sickening feeling of aimlessness living here. There are constantly so many options for what to do. It’s a privilege, an honor even, but it haunts me at all of the roads not taken. Maybe if I had decided to stay in my dorm and work on my novel rather than sitting on the yellow seats of the C train, my life would look different. I mean, you certainly wouldn’t be reading this if that had been the case. Or if I had opted for a life in my Georgian oasis rather than a concrete jungle with man-made forests. But I'm comfortable in this makeshift wonderland.
*This photo was, in fact, not taken on the C but on the 6 3-ish weeks ago. For visual reference, this is where I sat as I wrote this in my notes app, but imagine it with yellow lighting, brown floors, and PACKED
When I need a break, I go uptown. I look at the homes on Billionaires Row, imagining that I’m a tiny being on the brink of success. I think of my life being filmed in montages of wandering through the streets and sitting in seminars feverishly grasping for any knowledge I can steal with my shameless curiosity. I can't see myself in one of those biopics of great creatives; when I think of those, I think of failure; I think of success turned bitter and cold.
*I had the dopiest grin on my face on Sunday when I took this photo I can’t explain how happy I was to smell semi-clean air and see blue skies!
But I can see myself as a girl in a rom-com, so blindly inspired by life and living blissfully in the joy of what-ifs. Yet I feel slightly out of place in this narrative as well. I love the feeling of being swept up in the bliss that warm weather and green trees provide in the city. They remind me of home and long car rides on the winding streets of my hometown. Currently, in attempts to regain a spark of that bliss, this rom-com girl is embarrassing herself learning how to ride a bike in Central Park amidst being heckled by pedicab drivers. I don’t let this deter me! I am using this as “exposure therapy” in my fear of perception. I will not be scared to be seen trying. So what if I’m 18 and wobbling down the pavement of the park, scrambling not to hit passersby? I'm not leaving here until I can ride somewhat stable.
*don’t let this cutesy photo fool you. I have no clue when I took it, but I do know I was hanging on for dear life during this whole thing to the point where my fingers were sore the next morning
I let my mind drift in and out of dreams as I rode around the park, accompanied by the coming-of-age playlist I made a few years ago. I wonder if I should simply cash out and run to the stability of a different career. What if I fail as an author and my academic majors just land me in the unemployment pool? What even can an English Lit and Women, Gender, and Sexuality studies double major do? Why take a gamble on creativity if I might stumble into failure? I have to remind myself I’m ONLY 18, and this isn’t an embarrassing age to fail; it's a suitable one.
*yeah, I did that!! and next time, I’m going to do it twice. this was the most fun I’ve had since I moved here, and that’s really saying something.
I live in New York, and I learned how to ride a bike (albeit electric) in Central Park. I have the privilege to choose my path and explore my interests and career fields. I may not be a rom-com girl, a future startup genius starring in a biopic, or a New York native, but how lucky am I that I get to experience this life? I guess I’ll never know what it’s like to be born with the love of New York, but I sure do know how it feels to fall in love with it.
notes by Genesis 😚:
Existential optimism- is the idea that life should be positive, even when faced with the challenges and uncertainties of human existence. (not to be confused with optimistic nihilism)
Coming of age playlist:
NEVER PAY FOR A CITI BIKE BY MIN IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW LONG YOUR USING IT… buy the day pass