adjusted

I have this quote on my laptop that reads, “A well-read woman is a dangerous creature.” I beg to differ. I think that a well-adjusted woman is what we need to be scared of (i.e ME!!!!)

You know that feeling when you wake up, and your eyes spring open without difficulty? No grogginess, no lucid thoughts, just straight to the point ALERT. That happened to me a few days ago. It all started because I was in a rut, the worst kind that can lead to a depressive episode. Usually, when the feeling occurs, I glide with it as I’m unaware of how to prevent or at least delay it. But oh boy, was this time different. As though my mind had just decided enough was enough, autopilot kicked in, and I walked 2 1/2 blocks to Jubilee market and walked out with Glade candles, disinfectant spray, popsicles, Pirate's Booty, and Celsius.

*I also bought toilet paper, but that’s beside the point.

As I stormed into my dorm room, I set out on a mission: cleaning the floors, making a to-do list, laying my bed, opening the windows, and watering the flowers. I was so amped up on the overly caffeinated drink I had impulsively bought that my brain decided that with the completion of a to-do list, my world was serene. And since then, I have somehow been... adjusted.

*a couple of hours after I had cleaned my room. Tell me this isn’t the cutest dorm you have ever seen. I mean, COME ON???

Every single day, I wake up feeling light. My mood is brighter, my stress has dissipated, and my anxiety has fled. I wonder if this is all it really ever took. To politely tell myself enough is enough and get to it. Maybe all these months of being in New York, all I needed to do was tell myself to buck up and get it together.

*it definitely helps that I’m back to my solo adventures. A couple of days ago I took the ferry for the first time and had the absolute time of my life walking around Williamsburg!

I was becoming obsessive over things that hadn't happened yet, just a week before. All I did was think about the impending doom of opening a status update from Barnard College and the result not being as hoped or worse, the result being delayed permission to keep hoping. The idea consumed me so much that I started walking, and I mean walking—3 miles for no reason type of walking. However, in my journey for answers, I wound up back at Lincoln Center.

*After leaving Barnard, I visited the dorm I’ll be moving into this summer, and behind it, I found the most insane cathedral; I got Ben and Jerry’s for my walk until I got to the Lincon Center Fountains. Oh, what would I be without walkable cities

A couple of months ago, when I was really questioning everything, when I didn’t understand why being an adult was so hard, why moving away and pursuing my future felt so wrong, I would take the 2 or 3 train to Lincoln Center at night and journal in front of the fountain, asking it questions as to why things weren’t the way I'd imagined.

*a photo I took back in October during my first visit of many to Lincon Center

My 3-mile walk from Barnard College to Lincoln Center hadn't provided the same comfort. I sat in front of the fountain, surrounded by people freshly out of a show, and I didn’t have a single question. Somehow, I held all the answers. This feels a little too good to be true. There was no way on earth I figured out what was holding me back so easily in a second over something (that I can't identify) that had bothered me for the past eight months. I think maybe this is what growing up is: those moments where you feel your prefrontal cortex slightly develop, and things don’t seem so scary anymore.

*my beloved 😚

I used to be really nervous about the windows across from my bed in my dorm. I used to feel exposed to the idea that anyone from expensive apartments across could see me and all that I do the same way I could see them. But as I was working last night, I looked up with this memory and felt nothing. I wasn’t anxious. I wasn’t scared. I felt fine - I had adjusted.

*All of these photos were taken just yesterday. I had the perfect day, and nothing happened. I just ..got better?? I’m just so happy I can't explain it. Maybe this was the feeling of content I had been chasing

Now tell me that isn’t scary?!?!?